(Not) Merry Family Stories: Divorce after 30 years for the bathroom?This can also happen

Article

Life is sometimes complicated and sometimes even the seemingly banalities can do great damage. Conflicts and disputes then arise, which seem to have no solution. And it is in such moments that mediators can help. This is another story from the practice of relationship mediator Kateřina Bělková.

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Satisfied marriage for decades

Irena (48) and Milan (52) had a harmonious marriage that lasted almost thirty years. They met when they were young and raised two daughters. Throughout their marriage, their roles were clearly divided – Irena took care of the daughters and the household, Milan took care of the garden and the house. When larger investments were discussed, they always discussed them together and looked for a solution that would suit both of them. You could say that they were actually a model couple.

When the children left

However, an unexpected problem arose when the younger daughter also flew out of the family nest, and Irena decided that now was the right time to improve the house. She dreamed of a new bathroom. But Milan didn't even want to hear about the renovation, according to him the bathroom was still functional and investing in it just to make it more modern and nicer seemed pointless to him.

"Initially, Irena thought that it would only take time, that Milan would definitely start the reconstruction in time. He was very skilled and always did most of the work on the house himself," says Bělková. But Milan was adamant, the months passed and whenever Irena brought up the subject, her husband immediately changed the subject.

When a woman's patience runs out

Irena no longer refused to wait for her husband to change his mind and decided to take on the reconstruction alone. She had a design drawn up in the bathroom studio, and with the joint money, to which she added her extra bonuses from work, she bought the materials and hired a craftsman.

She planned everything for the weekend when Milan would be fishing with his friends, she wanted to prepare a surprise for him. She was convinced that when he saw the result, he would realize that it was a good idea.

Anger instead of joy

But it turned out exactly the opposite. Milan came back from the weekend and when he saw the new bathroom, he got upset. "He got angry and immediately started looking for flaws in the bathroom, which he thought were blessedly there. He didn't even like the style of the bathroom, and when he found out how much it all cost, it was the last straw," Bělková describes.

He stopped talking to his wife and even after weeks nothing improved, in fact on the contrary. He spent more and more time at work or at home in his workshop, on weekends he went fishing. He actually only went home to sleep. "Irena was also angry at first, but then she started to fear that their marriage would really suffer a major blow because of this action of hers. That's why she decided to seek the help of an expert," says Kateřina Bělková.

A sense of grievance rose to the surface

Milan didn't like the mediation, but in the end he agreed to the session. “When he got the word, it was like a dam broke. An awful lot of anger and resentment was accumulated in him," explains Bělková.

It turns out that for a long time he feels by his wife's side as an auxiliary force in the house, who only fulfills her wishes. "Swimming pool, well, fireplace, outdoor kitchen, Milan did it all. The bathroom was the first thing he rejected because he was convinced that it was an unnecessary waste of resources," Bělková describes Milan's feelings. Moreover, Irena shamed him even as a man, because the work on the house was always his responsibility.

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Fear about work and Irene's insight

But the root cause of the problem lay even deeper. Milan was worried that he would lose his job and that at his age it would be difficult to find a new job. "However, according to him, his wife completely ignored his feelings, she was focused only on herself and she didn't care how Milan felt and what he was afraid of. And he didn't want to burden her with his worries," continues Bělková.

Irena sat there as if scalded, it never occurred to her that Milan could be going through such a deep crisis. When she finally heard the real reason for his concern, she realized how selfish she had been. It never occurred to her to ask her husband why he actually refused the reconstruction. "She sincerely apologized to her husband. She suggested that she give up regular vacations for the following years in order to create the necessary reserve so that he can be at peace," Bělková concludes the dispute.

Here, too, it turned out that being able to talk and listen to each other is the basis of working relationships. It takes the Ten Commandments of Good Communication. Do you control it?